


Don't Kiss Me!

by jaws_3



Series: Secret Agent AU [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Hayner can't tie ties and Seifer still doesn't like any of Hayner's plans, M/M, Olette's tired of both of them, secret agent AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 20:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16291307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaws_3/pseuds/jaws_3
Summary: Hayner is pretty sure the world is out to get him. Its method of choice being Seifer Almasy.





	Don't Kiss Me!

Hayner is almost a hundred percent sure the world is out to get him. He says as much to Olette, who only half-heartedly replies, hardly interested in enabling her friend’s whining. His topic today is how he and Seifer were paired for yet _another_ mission and how entirely unfair it is. He’s complained weakly about this before, of course, but tonight he has nothing else to do while attempting to tie his tie (they were infiltrating some fancy party) so he decides to bring it up in earnest.

“We were only supposed to go on _one_ mission together, ‘Lettie. _One._ ” Hayner reminds her. “So how come I’m always the one being paired up with him?”

Hayner had understood their first mission - a infiltration of an underground Struggle ring that was starting to pile up with bodies - where it had made _sense_ for the two ex-strugglers to go in together. But, the multiple missions following that were starting to get on his nerves. Hayner can’t even remember the last solo mission he did, much less the last mission he completed with a different partner. They were practically a… a _team_ now. Fifteen year old Hayner would have a fit.

He waits to see if Seifer’s wearing his ear-piece yet - it kept the two of them and Olette in constant contact - and he’s pleased when Seifer’s offended huff doesn’t come through, indicating the other man is still getting ready.

“You’re the only one he really cooperates with.” Olette explains, her tone slightly distant as she’s probably busy with her own end of the mission. Hayner isn’t quite sure what she does, but he knows enough to understand they would be absolutely screwed without her. This doesn’t stop the loud bark of laughter he lets out. Seifer doesn’t cooperate with him at _all_ . Hayner would practically have to do thirty backflips in order to get Seifer to begrudgingly agree to any of his plans, and that was when Seifer was feeling _generous_. Hayner is sure to remind Olette of this, as it seems she had forgotten, all while making his third attempt at doing up his tie properly.

“Perhaps,” she replies slowly, her voice joined by the faint clatter of a computer’s keyboard. “But he’ll still follow them.”  

Hayner decides to give up on his tie - Seifer would probably end up fixing it for him with a mocking smirk anyways - and asks, “What? Are you trying to tell me he’s even _worse_ with other people?”

“Hayner, Seifer doesn’t _work_ with other people.” Olette sighs, long since bored of the conversation.

Hayner pauses with a brief _huh_ at this, quite startled by the brand new information.

“What about Rai and Fuu?” He asks eventually, toying with his tie, wrapping it and unwrapping it around his hands.

“They’re their own team, they never work with others.”

“Not even Seifer?” Hayner has many doubts at this. They were practically one entity back in high school. Hayner still remembers the one time he ran into Rai in a grocery store by himself and swears experience changed him as a person. (“He was just… shopping, ‘Lettie. _By himself_ .” “Hayner, you realize he eats right? Of course he’s going to go shopping.” “But he was by him _self_ —“) (No one in his group had found this as fascinating as Hayner did unfortunately.)

“Only if it’s three-man and those are rare.” Olette hums quietly, and before Hayner has the chance to drag out out any sort of remaining argument he has, Seifer’s voice finally sounds, telling them his piece is in with a bored tone.

“Alright, boys.” Olette chirps and Hayner becomes rather offended at how perky she sounds now that Seifer is listening, “Let’s get this show on the road!”

* * *

Hayner ends up being right, of course. At least about one thing. As soon as they reach the bottom steps of the mansion hosting the party, Seifer is yanking on his shirt collar and reprimanding him for not doing up his tie.

“I can’t believe you’ve made it twenty-three years and never learned how to tie a tie properly.” Seifer smirks as he wraps it around Hayner’s neck. He always does it on Hayner as well, which Hayner found weird as soon as he learned that it is actually quite difficult to tie a tie on another person. He reasons Seifer just likes showing off.

“You always end up fixing it.” Hayner replies, disinterested. His gaze is focused past Seifer, taking in the guests as they make their way inside. “Decided there was no point.”

There’s a short pause at this, and when Hayner flicks his gaze back to the other man, he finds him almost… embarrassed. Before Hayner can begin to unpack the expression though, it’s overtaken by annoyance and Seifer’s yanking the tie tight, slightly choking Hayner as he grumbles out, “Yeah, well, that’s because you suck at it.”

Hayner just squawks as he desperately goes to loosen the offending item, nearly missing the beginning on Olette’s instructions. He manages to right himself just as soon as she finishes up and is hardly given a moment’s rest before Seifer is grunting some sort of demand at him and marching off, leaving Hayner to grumble out a choice series of insults.

“Play nice.” Olette’s voice chimes in his ear.

“Yeah, Seifer!” Hayner calls out as he begins to follow him.

“I was talking to _you_ , Hayner.” Olette says, and Hayner does little to hide the look of betrayal that takes over his face when Seifer turns to smirk at him triumphantly.

“Yeah, Hayner.” He says smoothly, before smiling sweetly at the female guests that shuffle beside him as he turns back to enter the house, much to their giggling delight.

“Out to get me.” Hayner hisses to himself as he sulks up the steps. “The fucking world is out to get me.”

* * *

They’re two hours in and Olette has only _finally_ finished mapping out the place - “Their security is top-notch, Hayner!” - and Hayner couldn’t be more grateful. He’s not sure how many more glasses of champagne he can suffer through and he’s been stuck watching a rather large and flamboyant man show off his biceps to an enthralled and, most likely, drunk crowd for nearly thirty minutes. There is only so much he can take.

“Rai could probably beat ‘im in an arm wrestling match.” Hayner says suddenly and without context. Seifer looks first at him, before following his gaze to the Bicep Man and raising a brow. He doesn’t respond, however, moving his attention back to the mission at hand, Olette having sent him a map of the place. So Hayner pouts and continues with, “I wish I was partnered with Rai right now.”

This catches Seifer’s attention, but all the man does is lift his head and let out a long suffering sigh.

“Rai and I would make an _awesome_ team.” Hayner tells him and Seifer just scowls in return.

“We found the room, Hayner.” Olette suddenly breaks in, probably to prevent any potential brawl. “You’re almost done.”

The room is past three different guards and several hallways away from the main room, but Hayner doesn’t mind. Excited at the opportunity to show off his own skills. He manages to get them in in a record twelve minutes. Seifer even gives him a “Good job” smirk when Hayner swings open the door and grins back at the other man, letting him go first.

They’re looking for actual _files_ , so Hayner mutters, “Old fashioned weirdo.” while shuffling through the pointless papers scattered across the desk he was assigned to search. Olette scolds him once more, going on a small tirade on how it was a smart decision, even if it was incredibly annoying to deal with. Seifer agrees with him with him a least, letting out a snort when Hayner dismisses all of Olette’s reasonings with, “It’s still old fashioned as hell, ‘Lettie.”

Twenty minutes pass, and they’re growing agitated as they’re coming no closer to finding _anything_ helpful and to make matters worse, Hayner can hear the guard approaching. They’re far enough from the party that Hayner can make out the steps faster, but he knows they still only have a few minutes, five at most, before the guard will be nearing the door.

“Someone’s coming.” Hayner hisses out quietly, quickly stealing towards where Seifer stands glowering at a filing cabinet.

“Find a reason to be there!” Olette replies, hurriedly. This is, of course, easier said than done as there are _no_ viable hiding spots, and if they were found hiding, it makes them incredibly suspicious. On top of that,  with this kind of security, it would mean questioning and that is never a good thing.

Hayner still tries to find something big enough for one or both of them, praying for something like a good old fashion wooden closet, but the owners are more on the minimalistic side, and both Seifer and Hayner let out a string of curses when they realize they have _nothing._

That is, until Hayner spots a couch.

“‘Lettie, I’m putting you on mute, we’ll check back in when we’re in the clear.” He says, not giving her the chance to argue before he severs the connection between them. (She still manages three different sounds of confusion, but Hayner doesn’t count those as words.)

Seifer’s eyes him suspiciously, and when Hayner closes in quick to grab him, Seifer yanks himself back, eyes wide, as he hisses out, “Don’t kiss me!”

Hayner just blinks, both startled and offended, and huffs out, “Okay, first of all, I have more than one idea for these sort of situations. _Secondly,_ I don’t wanna kiss you anymore than you do, alright?”

There’s something that flashes in Seifer’s expression, but Hayner’s too annoyed to deal with it, so he ignores it and moves in close to start tugging at Seifer’s collar. The other man makes an annoyed sound, like he’s about to argue so Hayner groans and repeats himself, “I’m not going to kiss you! I’m just going to make it _look_ like I was.”

Seifer voices no more arguments, even as Hayner begins to tug on his tie and muss up the rest of his clothes, though he watches him with an annoyed and hesitant expression throughout the entirety of it.  

“Pinch your cheeks.” Hayner instructs after running his hand through Seifer’s hair a few times.

“ _Why_?” Seifer asks pointedly, refusing to hide his irritation.

“So they look red, you idiot.” Hayner explains as he goes to tug again at Seifer’s shirt, attempting to make it look casually mussed up. Seifer still doesn’t move so Hayner glances up to find the man staring down at him, his expression almost unreadable. Hayner just rolls his eyes. “Look, either you pinch them or I can slap you, make your choice.”

“I’m not doing either.” Seifer huffs, eyes narrowing and Hayner doesn’t bother hiding his scowl.

“God, you’re such a pain in the ass.” He grumbles before deciding he’s just going to have to work with whatever Seifer is giving him. Which is _nothing_ but Hayner’s gotten pretty good and making miracles happen.

He gives Seifer’s shirt one last tug before stepping back to admire his work. It’s sure to fool someone from a distance, and Hayner’s hoping that’s all they need. He pulls Seifer to the couch, surprised when the man comes willingly, and shoves him onto it before stepping back to work on himself. It gets awkward when he happens to glance up and catches Seifer watching him. He immediately becomes flustered, hissing out a quiet, “What?!” that Seifer doesn’t bother to respond to.

Eventually Hayner becomes pleased enough with his work that he goes to sit on Seifer’s lap and Seifer nearly jumps out of his seat, whispering, “What are you doing?” as loud as he dare.

“Would you calm your shit!? I’m not going to kiss you!” Hayner says, making shushing movements with his hands.

“Then what are you gonna do?!” Seifer snaps back.

“I’m gonna deck you in half a fucking second, if I’m being honest. Look, I won’t even sit on you, I’ll just kneel over your lap, okay? We just need the guard to THINK we’re up to something and leave us alone.” Hayner finally explains, his eyes glancing over to the door.

“They’re more likely to just kick us out.” Seifer replies, unconvinced.

“Not if you glare at them like you did last time.” Hayner mumbles before shoving Seifer back and taking his position over his lap. Seifer’s posture is surprisingly wooden and Hayner notices him awkwardly opening and closing his hands while refusing to meet Hayner’s gaze.

“This is weird.” Seifer says eventually, still refusing to meet Hayner’s eyes. Hayner just sighs and drops his head back in a show of exasperation.

“You’ve been _shot_ before, Seifer,” Hayner groans, though he silently agrees. “I don’t think this is worse than that.”

He leans back and away from Seifer to listen for the guard coming down the hallway and Seifer goes to speak, most likely to argue that this and that are two different things, but Hayner quickly slaps a hand over his mouth and shushes him. “I think someone’s coming!”

Seifer had wasted precious time with his protests and the guard is much closer than Hayner anticipated, which means Seifer is going to simply have to bullshit his way through their “performance”.

“Quick, put your hands on me!” Hayner quietly demands. He gives Seifer no time to argue, grabbing the other man’s hands himself and forcing them onto his hips. Hayner then moves his own hands to tangle his Seifer’s hair and presses into the other man’s space. Seifer’s eye’s go wide, but Hayner makes sure to stop before getting in _too_ close. Seifer still doesn’t seem like he’s about to play along and Hayner can’t help the whine that escapes him. “Seifer, _please_ —“

Hayner means to continue with, “Would you just work with me here?” but he’s not even able to begin the rest of the sentence before the door to the room is opening and both of their gazes are snapping to the guard meeting their wide eyed gazes with his own.

“Can we help you with something?” Seifer sneers, breaking the silence, while Hayner ducks his head into the other man’s neck, once more keeping his face from view. The security guard seems too startled to create any coherent words, Hayner reasons he’s probably a newbie and thanks their lucky stars, but manages to get out something that sounds like, “This area is off limits.”

“We’re almost done.” Seifer replies and Hayner grins as it’s not _really_ a lie. He moves his hands to tangle a bit in Seifer’s shirt, a fabricated show of embarrassment, while one of Seifer’s hands slides from his hip to loop around his waist and tug him in closer. “ _If you don’t mind._ ”

There’s an obvious threat in Seifer’s voice, and the guard crumbles under it, (“Their security is _terrible_ , Olette, what were you talking about.”) mumbling a vacant, “Okay.” before stumbling out the door. He doesn’t leave though, perhaps hoping to catch the two of them in a lie, and Seifer tenses when Hayner doesn’t move away from him.

Tilting his head up a bit, Hayner whispers, “He’s still outside, just wait a second.” into the other man’s ear. He can feel Seifer’s grip tighten at it, and worries he’s about to argue so he shifts again to actually meet his gaze. Hayner’s half a second from going, “Just _wait._ ” when the guard rushes in, hand already raised to point out whatever lie he thought they were in, but when he sees how close they are, he flushes and turns tail with a quick, “Sorry, take your time.”

There’s a stretch of silence after the door slams behind the guard, where both Hayner and Seifer keep still, slightly amazed at how well the plan had gone. Hayner sits up properly after a few seconds, training his head to the side to listen to guard’s steps hurrying away from their room, before focusing back on Seifer and beaming.

“Told you.” He chirps triumphantly. Seifer grants him one hard smile before shoving him to the floor. Hayner, of course, squawks out indignantly. Seifer ignores him, standing to begin straightening out his clothes and briefly reconnecting them to Olette to inform her of their safety.

“All right, good to hear. Now, hurry it up in there so we can get out without any more incidents.” Olette replies, all business, but with a hint of relief.

Seifer hums out an affirmation before moving away from Hayner to renew his search, and clean himself up.

“I can’t believe they actually let people get away with this sort of thing.” Seifer grumbles as he finishes straightening out his clothes. Hayner’s in the middle of fixing his hair, and just hums out some sort of acknowledgment, although he personally isn’t terribly surprised. Seifer’s glare _was_ pretty hard to stand up to.

For most people at least.

As soon as they’re fixed up, it only takes them three and a half more minutes to find the files they’re looking for, and another eight to send them to Olette. They make tracks pretty soon after that, and when they move through the dance floor on their way out, Hayner makes sure to tuck himself close into Seifer, keeping to their earlier facade. It wouldn’t make any sense, if the guard happened to spot them leaving, for them to exit as casually as work partners after all.

Seifer manages to make it all the way back to his truck before he lunges forward, grabbing Hayner’s tie and dragging him in close to his face again.

“You need to stop doing that.” He growls, angrier than Hayner thought he would be.

Hayner just flails a bit in response, trying to detach himself, before giving up and whining, “You fucking think of the plan next time and stop bitching about mine! They _work_ at least.”

Seifer continues to glare but Hayner pays little attention. Seeing as they completed their mission, there’s little Seifer can _actually_ complain about, so he’s not terribly worried.

“Listen,” Hayner sighs. “I’ll try to think of something else next time. But if a plan works, it _works_. I don’t know why you get all fired up over it.”

That’s a small lie, he’s pretty sure he knows why Seifer hates suddenly having his old rival throw himself into his lap, but Hayner’s tired and ready to go home, so he needs Seifer to _get over it._

“Okay?” Hayner asks, raising a brow and his hands in a show of submission. Seifer gives him a quick once over before huffing out something resembling a word and shoving Hayner back again, marching to the driver’s side. Hayner watches him go, rolling his eyes before turning to open the passenger door.

He finds it locked, and when he looks up to Seifer in confusion, the other man is slamming his door shut with a condescending smirk, and starting his truck.

“Oi!” Hayner shouts, knocking on the window. “ _Oi!_ ”

Seifer actually drives forward several feet and Hayner feels _no_ shame when he cries for Olette over the ear piece, telling her he was being left behind. When he manages to get in the vehicle, he pouts the entire way back to headquarters and makes sure to slam the passenger door twice as hard as necessary before stalking off.

“Just out to fucking get me.” Hayner hisses one more time, ignoring the pleased humming coming from his dreaded work partner.

(He makes sure to revel in the shocked expression Seifer gives him when Hayner locks the entrance door behind him, knowing Seifer doesn’t have his key. Smiling serenely even as both Seifer and Olette demand he open it.)

(He doesn’t.)

(Seifer punches him hard enough to leave a six day bruise when he finally arrives at their “office”, having been let in by Rai.)

(Hayner regrets nothing.)

**Author's Note:**

> u might be like "this secret agent stuff doesn't make sense" and my response is I have a permit and the permit says I can do what I want  
> there's a third instalment coming when my roomie can beta it that I like more than this one but this one.. still not bad. it gave me some trouble tho  
> I hope you enjoyed it!


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